Okay, America has lost any dignity it had, no one will ever look up to us again. You wanna know why? You wanna know why? Because Buzz Aldrin is going to be on this season of Dancing With the Stars. Yeah, the second man on the moon is going to be on Dancing With the Stars.
Why? Why would someone with such a distinguished history of bravery and discovery, someone who put our flag on another celestial object, an American and world hero, stoop to reality television? This is what he's going to go out on? Hmm...he stood on the lunar surface and watched earthrise for the first time in human history, but now he's going to samba against Kate Gosselin. No...I won't! I refuse! I won't make any "he thought it was 'Dancing Among The Stars'" jokes!
The worst part is, more people will probably remember him for this than for standing on the moon. Buzz Aldrin: second astronaut on the moon; first astronaut on Dancing With the Stars. Neal Armstrong will probably be on next season, in an ironic twist.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
BREAKING NEWS!
I overheard this literally just now, here in the Tompkins County Public Library, in Ithaca. The man is in the magazine reading section, on the other side of the library. He was yelling (not in a figurative, "inside-voice" kinda way, but in a gym-class "I'M OPEN!" kinda way) into either a cell phone or an imagined cell phone.
Ahem...let me get this right, the tone and subtle under-context he was using:
"WHA-IT? WHA-IT? I'M MEE-'IN HIM. NO. MEE-'IN HIM LAYTA. WHA-IT? I'M AT THE LIBERRY NOW! I'M AT THE LIBERRY!"
He actually yelled "liberry" in the liberry itself.
Now back to editing for me, and I hope you have a berry berry nice day.
(c)2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
Ahem...let me get this right, the tone and subtle under-context he was using:
"WHA-IT? WHA-IT? I'M MEE-'IN HIM. NO. MEE-'IN HIM LAYTA. WHA-IT? I'M AT THE LIBERRY NOW! I'M AT THE LIBERRY!"
He actually yelled "liberry" in the liberry itself.
Now back to editing for me, and I hope you have a berry berry nice day.
(c)2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Today's Advice: On Cults
Join a cult if you like...but practice safe sects.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Funny "peculiar" or funny "very peculiar?"
People often say something is “funny” meaning it’s “peculiar,” but when something is very peculiar they don’t say it’s “hysterical;” for something only a bit peculiar, they don’t say it’s “amusing.”
“Funny” adjectives don’t vary with the amount of peculiarity, which is...ya know...peculiar.
(c)2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
“Funny” adjectives don’t vary with the amount of peculiarity, which is...ya know...peculiar.
(c)2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Not Even As An Urn
I saw a vase at Kohl’s with a little label on the bottomish side, and always look to see if they say "Made in China," which they almost always do.
This one was made in China, but that was a different label. This label read: “Do not use with food. May poison food.”
WHAT? May poison FOOD? Is that really the warning on this thing? Poison. Poison? No. No...there can not be a warning on a product in an American department store chain with the word "POISON" on it, okay? No. No.
But there it was. Look, I don’t care what I needed a vase for, if it poisons food, I don’t want it in my friggin' house at all! How badly do we in America need cheap vases that we’re willing to settle for poisonous ones of ANY kind?
The worst part, or maybe it's just equally worse to the other parts, is that the manufacturer and the store know the vase may be poisonous, but instead of changing whatever is the poisonous part, they just slapped a label on it and put it on the shelf, knowing, KNOWING, that many Americans either won't look at the label or will read it and shrug like Homer Simpson, "meh, what am I gonna eat outta it anyway?" and buy it. That's who we are now. We don't care if it's poison, as long as it's CHEAP poison. "I wouldn't pay more than $11.99 for something that's going to kill me. I can get killed cheaper than that at Wal-Mart."
I mean...I mean...it's a VASE! It's like, clay and water and maybe some glazes of color! You'd actually have to TRY, you'd have to deliberately ADD hazardous chemicals to this product for no other reason than to make it poisonous, to MAKE it poisonous! What are they up to? Remember the dog food? Was that unforgivable offense just a trial run?
Not for me, I'll get my vases at the Handwork Gallery, where they're locally handmade and guaranteed not to kill me if I accidentally brush a kernal of my Monsanto genetically modified corn against them. Hey, at least Monsanto has enough respect for my intelligence to deny it's trying to off me. To my face.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
This one was made in China, but that was a different label. This label read: “Do not use with food. May poison food.”
WHAT? May poison FOOD? Is that really the warning on this thing? Poison. Poison? No. No...there can not be a warning on a product in an American department store chain with the word "POISON" on it, okay? No. No.
But there it was. Look, I don’t care what I needed a vase for, if it poisons food, I don’t want it in my friggin' house at all! How badly do we in America need cheap vases that we’re willing to settle for poisonous ones of ANY kind?
The worst part, or maybe it's just equally worse to the other parts, is that the manufacturer and the store know the vase may be poisonous, but instead of changing whatever is the poisonous part, they just slapped a label on it and put it on the shelf, knowing, KNOWING, that many Americans either won't look at the label or will read it and shrug like Homer Simpson, "meh, what am I gonna eat outta it anyway?" and buy it. That's who we are now. We don't care if it's poison, as long as it's CHEAP poison. "I wouldn't pay more than $11.99 for something that's going to kill me. I can get killed cheaper than that at Wal-Mart."
I mean...I mean...it's a VASE! It's like, clay and water and maybe some glazes of color! You'd actually have to TRY, you'd have to deliberately ADD hazardous chemicals to this product for no other reason than to make it poisonous, to MAKE it poisonous! What are they up to? Remember the dog food? Was that unforgivable offense just a trial run?
Not for me, I'll get my vases at the Handwork Gallery, where they're locally handmade and guaranteed not to kill me if I accidentally brush a kernal of my Monsanto genetically modified corn against them. Hey, at least Monsanto has enough respect for my intelligence to deny it's trying to off me. To my face.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
100% what?
I saw a bumper sticker on an oversized black pickup truck that said "100% Jesus." That was it.
100% Jesus? Is Jesus, like, an ingredient in cereal now? "Fortified with vitamins C, D, and 100% RDA of Jesus!" What cereal would that be? Christ Crispies? ("One bowl and you're ready for the day before the cock crows three times!") Does Ivory soap now contain 99.44% Jesus?
Maybe the truck has a new type of fuel system that runs entirely on Jesus? Instead of keeping Jesus on the dashboard, now one could put Jesus in the gas tank? Would that have environmental consequences? Would there be a byproduct produced or health hazards? In 20 years would we hear reports like "Over the last two decades, we've seen a 70% increase in stigmata, yet the Republicans still insist that this is not caused by Jesus fuel systems, but is a natural phase the earth goes through every so often."
You think gasoline costs a lot per gallon, wait'll you see how much a gallon of Jesus costs. I mean, there's only so much Jesus to go around, and he's already being used daily in communion wafers and wine. When you put it in your car, would you be allowed to say you were "pumping Jesus?" If your battery died, would you be able to revive it with a few sprinkles of gas? Or would you have to wait until judgment day, when all cars would return to life at once? Wouldn't Jesus have enough to do without having to propel the world's vehicles, too. "Aw come on," he'd complain, "what's wrong with solar or hydrogen? Can't you people do anything for yourselves?" It'd be a pretty thorny issue.
(c) 2010 Scott Tel. All rights reserved.
100% Jesus? Is Jesus, like, an ingredient in cereal now? "Fortified with vitamins C, D, and 100% RDA of Jesus!" What cereal would that be? Christ Crispies? ("One bowl and you're ready for the day before the cock crows three times!") Does Ivory soap now contain 99.44% Jesus?
Maybe the truck has a new type of fuel system that runs entirely on Jesus? Instead of keeping Jesus on the dashboard, now one could put Jesus in the gas tank? Would that have environmental consequences? Would there be a byproduct produced or health hazards? In 20 years would we hear reports like "Over the last two decades, we've seen a 70% increase in stigmata, yet the Republicans still insist that this is not caused by Jesus fuel systems, but is a natural phase the earth goes through every so often."
You think gasoline costs a lot per gallon, wait'll you see how much a gallon of Jesus costs. I mean, there's only so much Jesus to go around, and he's already being used daily in communion wafers and wine. When you put it in your car, would you be allowed to say you were "pumping Jesus?" If your battery died, would you be able to revive it with a few sprinkles of gas? Or would you have to wait until judgment day, when all cars would return to life at once? Wouldn't Jesus have enough to do without having to propel the world's vehicles, too. "Aw come on," he'd complain, "what's wrong with solar or hydrogen? Can't you people do anything for yourselves?" It'd be a pretty thorny issue.
(c) 2010 Scott Tel. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Mmmm...me...
Know what I just realized? If I could develop a chocolate-scented cologne, I’d have the womenfolk all over me like white on rice. Don’t women love chocolate? Isn’t that the stereotype? You don’t think a guy smelling like an “O-Henry” bar would draw the women like moths to a lightbulb?
What the heck is wrong with moths anyway, that they keep clamoring around light? They don’t clamor to the moon when there’s no light, do they? What do the moths way out in the woods do? Maybe when you die you actually become a moth, and that’s why people report being drawn to a bright light. There’s really no heaven, it’s just a GE soft-white 40-watt porch light that we all flap towards.
Note: I looked into it and moths apparently use the moon's light as a navigation aid, and since they don't know there's such a thing as a Sylvania candelabra bulb, they assume any light must be the moon. But the moon is far away, and always in the sameish spot to them, while a light bulb is nearby; they can see it on their left, then their right, then their above, all within seconds. They keep thinking it's the moon and that they must need to correct their position to it...which changes again a second later...requiring an adjustment...etc. It confuses them and they end up flying in little circles around the light, bonking into it. Bonk bonk.
That's fine. But since the scientists who developed that idea aren't moths, and neither am I, I would hold that my theory is just as valid and feasible, so be nice to those annoying, spinning moths; you don't want to smash someone's grandma and ruin her eternal reward. Well, you shouldn't want to.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
What the heck is wrong with moths anyway, that they keep clamoring around light? They don’t clamor to the moon when there’s no light, do they? What do the moths way out in the woods do? Maybe when you die you actually become a moth, and that’s why people report being drawn to a bright light. There’s really no heaven, it’s just a GE soft-white 40-watt porch light that we all flap towards.
Note: I looked into it and moths apparently use the moon's light as a navigation aid, and since they don't know there's such a thing as a Sylvania candelabra bulb, they assume any light must be the moon. But the moon is far away, and always in the sameish spot to them, while a light bulb is nearby; they can see it on their left, then their right, then their above, all within seconds. They keep thinking it's the moon and that they must need to correct their position to it...which changes again a second later...requiring an adjustment...etc. It confuses them and they end up flying in little circles around the light, bonking into it. Bonk bonk.
That's fine. But since the scientists who developed that idea aren't moths, and neither am I, I would hold that my theory is just as valid and feasible, so be nice to those annoying, spinning moths; you don't want to smash someone's grandma and ruin her eternal reward. Well, you shouldn't want to.
(c) 2010 Scott Teel. All rights reserved.
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