100% what?

I saw a bumper sticker on an oversized black pickup truck that said "100% Jesus." That was it.

100% Jesus? Is Jesus, like, an ingredient in cereal now? "Fortified with vitamins C, D, and 100% RDA of Jesus!" What cereal would that be? Christ Crispies? ("One bowl and you're ready for the day before the cock crows three times!") Does Ivory soap now contain 99.44% Jesus?

Maybe the truck has a new type of fuel system that runs entirely on Jesus? Instead of keeping Jesus on the dashboard, now one could put Jesus in the gas tank? Would that have environmental consequences? Would there be a byproduct produced or health hazards? In 20 years would we hear reports like "Over the last two decades, we've seen a 70% increase in stigmata, yet the Republicans still insist that this is not caused by Jesus fuel systems, but is a natural phase the earth goes through every so often."

You think gasoline costs a lot per gallon, wait'll you see how much a gallon of Jesus costs. I mean, there's only so much Jesus to go around, and he's already being used daily in communion wafers and wine. When you put it in your car, would you be allowed to say you were "pumping Jesus?" If your battery died, would you be able to revive it with a few sprinkles of gas? Or would you have to wait until judgment day, when all cars would return to life at once?  Wouldn't Jesus have enough to do without having to propel the world's vehicles, too.  "Aw come on," he'd complain, "what's wrong with solar or hydrogen? Can't you people do anything for yourselves?"  It'd be a pretty thorny issue.

(c) 2010 Scott Tel.  All rights reserved.