Not typical results

It troubles me at times to see “success examples.” For example, diet and weight-loss commercials always show people who had success with their system, or food, and it may be true. They usually have to quickly flash small print on the screen saying that the results of the person in the ad are “not typical,” that “results may vary,” and that the weight was lost by not only by using the advertised product or diet but also by exercising moderately 21 times per week, reducing total calories eaten normally by 2/3, making the 1/3 of calories eaten only the calories that come from water (I know…that’s the joke, get it?), being under the hourly care of a trainer, nutritionist, and physician, always eating while standing on a sensitive scale they’re forced to watch during meals, having gastric bypass surgery, and vomiting after each meal while undergoing therapy so as not to let it become a habit.


I don’t understand why we let companies get away with small print flicked for a quarter of a second onscreen and act as though that makes the whole advertisement honest. It’s misleading at least, since no one ever gets to read all those tiny words in that short time. The exception, for some reason, is ads for drugs, which spend 15 seconds telling you what the drug does and 45 seconds speedily listing the possible problems and side effects before telling you to ask your doctor about Zopretzyl.


I can’t figure that one out either. Tell my doctor what to prescribe for me? That’s his fucking job. Why are the drug companies advertising to me now? I can’t get the drugs without a prescription from the doctor anyway. I suppose they think I’ll watch a minute of stock-footage of people smiling, laughing, riding bikes, fishing, reading comfortably, enjoying life’s every drop while I hear “maycauseblurredvisioninsomniatiredness
excessiveurinationheartstoppagebloatinglossofheighteyediscolorationwhichmaybecomepermanentprematureagingimmatureaginglossofbreathing
hairytonguehypertensionhighbloodpressuredetachedpatellashollowedbonescancerdandruffhallucinationsdepressionattemptedsuicidesuccessfulsuicide
hairlosstoothlooseningsorethroatdisplasiaunbornparasitictwinvomitingweightgainorlossorneutralityamnesiapoorgrammarandinsomerarecases
death.  Pregnant women, children, or the elderly should not take Zopretzyl” and I’ll go up to my doctor’s office and tell him, “Doc, is Zopretzyl right for me?”

“No, you have a splinter,” he’d reply. “Why would you even ask about that? That’s a very risky drug that caused Psychotic Monkey Disease in the test animals. Which, as the name suggests, had never been seen in rabbits before. Not to mention the spontaneous limb detachment or the rectal reversal that trideathyl phoxycaloric fratricidol, which is what the company renamed Zopretzyl --”

“That’s the stuff, I want it,” I’d say.


Unfortunately, people probably actually do this. And insist. It doesn’t make sense; the doctor should be the one bringing up drugs, he’s the one who’s supposed to know the data on them and what might be best. Also unfortunately, I made up the name Zopretzyl since it sorta has the word “pretzel” in it, and sounds silly yet like a real drug (which must have at least one Z,Q, Y, or some combination), but now that I think about it, there might actually be one out there with that stupid name and I’ll probably get sued.

But I’m reading a book right now that gives “success stories” like those diet ads, yet doesn’t offer even any small type. According to the author, following her practices were successful for her and her family, and similar methods have succeeded for, so far, four or five people, three of whom are friends or relatives of hers. There are more throughout the book, so the number will go up to maybe 12 or 15, and sure, her methods might actually work. But we only hear about the success stories, not the failures. Few Hollywood megastars ever get to tell us what failed for them because whatever they did, it succeeded. I don’t usually get to see interviews in Entertainment Weekly with the 59-year-old Pharmacy cashier who wanted to make it at acting but didn’t. “I tried the same practices as I hear Meryl Streep say she used, every day, faithfully, and I failed at all of it.”

So how do I know if this author’s methods will work for me? I hear her success stories, but for each of those, how many failures are there who also tried similar methods? 1,000? 150? Maybe even none and everyone who tries it succeeds? The point is, there’s no way for me to know that, so giving me success stories makes it seem like the methods work, but it’s a tad misleading. “Hey, wow! It worked for these 14 people, so it must work!” Well…there are 6.5 billion people alive right now, so what percentage of those people who try it have success?

Obviously that’s harder to answer for an author of a system she’s promoting that has been used for decades before she even decided to try it herself. But non-information, info that is left out of statements, is used all the time for things and often sounds impressive if we don’t take a second to think about it. I’ve seen candy bars that say things like “Chocosaurus has 20% More Chocolate!” Sounds great to me…until I think, “20% more than what? Than it used to have? Than a competitor? Which competitor?” ‘Cause if it’s a carrot, that’s not all that impressive.